


you made me feel as though i was enough

by irisadler



Series: Say You Won't Let Go [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Established Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Human AU, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Rated teen for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 14:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13549497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisadler/pseuds/irisadler
Summary: Alec and Magnus talk about kids and adoption for the first time.(Set sometime before chapter 5 of darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold. Takes place completely in the past.)





	you made me feel as though i was enough

**Author's Note:**

> As always, beta’d by the lovely [stupidnephilimlove](https://stupidnephilimlove.tumblr.com/)! Check out her fics [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidnephilimlove/pseuds/stupidnephilimlove)!
> 
> Come find [me](https://irisphryneadler.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!

When they’d proposed to each other, Magnus had known this was it for him. Alec meant everything to him. Magnus had a dream, though, one he’d carried since childhood. That, if he ever got the chance, he would become a foster parent to give kids in the system the safe place he’d never had. For many years, that hadn’t been an option due to his nomadic lifestyle. Now, finally, Magnus was settled. More than that, he'd found someone worth staying in one place for. They were getting married, talking about buying a house. But Magnus had never broached the subject with Alec, and he was scared.

Magnus was in the process of formulating a grand plan for how to talk to Alec about the subject when Alec beat him to the punch. They were sitting side by side in peaceful silence on the patio. It was a balmy summer evening, the sunset filling the sky with beautiful hues.

Alec broke the silence.

“Have you ever thought about having kids?”

Magnus was caught off guard.

“Uh… what?”

Alec seemed to take this as a no. He hurried on.

“If you don’t want kids, that’s fine. I just wondered. What your thoughts were.”

Magnus took a deep breath, then said, “No. I’ve definitely thought about it. It’s… actually something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

Alec heard the serious tone of Magnus’ voice and moved his chair so that he was facing Magnus.

“Okay. Let’s talk about it.”

Magnus took another breath.

“Since I was little… I’ve thought about what I would do when I grew up. One of the things I always wanted to do is to give others in the system what I never had - a truly safe and accepting home, even if it’s just for a while.”

Alec nodded.

“That makes sense.”

Magnus just looked at Alec. That wasn’t the response he’d been expecting, but it was so Alec. He was really listening and considering what Magnus was saying, and that knowledge gave Magnus the courage to be straightforward.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like us to become foster parents. I realise that’s a lot, though. And it’s something we need to talk about, because I love you. I want to be with you, even if it means not doing that.”

Magnus could feel Alec wanting to object, so he hurried on.

“And it wouldn’t mean giving up my dream, so you don’t need to worry about that. It would just mean that I would have to find other ways to be involved with helping those kids, maybe by volunteering or something.”

As Magnus says it, he knows it’s true. After all the agonising and the fear, he’s suddenly certain. This is important to him. So is Alec. He’s not giving up either. If Alec isn’t up for this, Magnus damn well isn’t giving him up, but he _will_ find a way to help kids like himself.

“I guess… while I know it’s something _I’m_ interested in, I have no idea how _you_ feel about it. And if that’s not something you want to do - truly _want_ to do - we shouldn’t do it. Because, well, I imagine it would be a lot of work and bureaucratic bullshit and heartache.”

Alec was nodding in agreement.

“It will be, but-”

Magnus didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, his attention fixated on one word. _Will._ That word choice made Magnus’ heart leap. Alec was talking like this was actually going to happen, like they were going to do it. He interrupted Alec.

“Honey, I’m sorry. I missed most of what you said. Can you repeat that?”

Alec gave him a crooked smile.

“I just said that it will be a lot of work, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it.”

Magnus breathed out slowly, adjusting to the idea that this was a very real possibility for the two of them. That Alec was prepared to do this. With him. He had to make sure, though.

“But, Alec, what about you? What are your thoughts about fostering? If we did this, I wouldn’t want to do it just because it was a dream of mine.”

Alec considered for a moment. How could he explain this to Magnus? He looked at Magnus, who gave him an encouraging nod. _Here goes nothing._

“Magnus… I never dreamed of having kids growing up. But that’s because I couldn’t see a future in which I’d be happy. You remember how I was when we met. I believed I had to live the life my parents had mapped out for me, which is to say, the life of a lawyer who was most _definitely_ not gay. I decided fairly early on that, if I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be with someone I loved, then I would rather be alone. After a long day of pretending to be someone I’m not, I wouldn’t make myself even more miserable by going home to a wife or girlfriend or whatever. And it never occurred to me to think of bringing children into that future, because it was just… an existence, not a _life_ , you know?”

Magnus nodded. It still hurt every time he heard Alec talk about the bleak future he’d imagined for himself growing up. He couldn’t help imagining a younger version of Alec, struggling and alone, and it broke Magnus’ heart. Alec gave him a smile, just a little one, but it made his eyes crinkle at the corners, and Magnus was overwhelmed once again by how much he loved this man. He took a breath, centering himself, and listened.

“The thing is that it doesn’t matter what I dreamed of as a little kid. Meeting you opened my eyes and showed me there was another way to be. That, despite what I’d always thought, it _was_ possible for me to live life on my own terms, as my true and authentic self. And that made me consider the kind of life I want to lead. Who do I want in that life? What does that life look like? The answer to the first is simple. You and our friends. The people who deserve to be in our lives. No one else. As for the second… for one, I’m back in school. I can’t wait to finally be a teacher. _That’s_ something I’ve wanted to do forever. We’re talking about buying a house, which is kind of crazy in the best possible way.”

Magnus beamed at Alec, unable to contain his pride that Alec was finally pursuing his dream of becoming a teacher.

Alec smiled back as he continued, “All the things I never even let myself consider are real and tangible now. I met you, first and foremost. We’re living together, and we have the cats, and I’m- I’m so fucking happy, Magnus. We’re… getting married, for fuck’s sake, which is something I never thought I’d get to do! And the life we’re making together is better than anything I could ever have dreamed of. I’m learning, though, that the more you dream, the more your capacity for dreaming increases. Now, because of all I have, I know that I want so much more.”

Alec took a deep breath. This was the hardest part to say out loud.

“I’ve thought a lot about this, and Magnus, I _do_ want kids, and I want them with _you_. As soon as I started picturing us in the future, I saw us with kids, and that realisation… floored me at first. I was terrified. I _know_ you’ll be a great dad, Magnus. You’re caring and affirming and supportive and smart and brave and just… wonderful. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their parent. But I _was_ worried _I_ wouldn’t be. What if I turned into my parents? What if all those hateful things they did and said, the pressure they put on us growing up… what if all of that was inside me somewhere and I… unleashed that poison on our kids?”

Magnus reached out and touched Alec’s arm, unable to keep from reacting.

“Alec…” he started, but Alec put his hand on Magnus’ and smiled at him reassuringly.

“I know, Magnus. I wrestled with it for a long time, but I think I’m through the worst of it. I’m sure there will many, many days to come when I’ll doubt myself and my ability to parent, and I _definitely_ won’t do it perfectly, but that’s okay. No one does. My parents did a number on me, so those fears and doubts still rear their ugly heads from time to time, but I know now - thanks to time and therapy and you - that those voices aren’t telling me the truth, and I don’t _have_ to listen to them.”

This time, Alec’s smile was full and bright, and Magnus smiled right back, amazed all over again by the man he loved. He’d had such a hard upbringing, but the work he’d done in the last few years had paid off. Anyone could see it. It had taken courage and vulnerability to confront his demons, but he’d done it. They still came up periodically, but now Alec was prepared, and he had the weapons he needed to fight back.

Alec shook his head. Somewhere along the way, he’d lost his train of thought. He took a moment to try and retrace the thread of the conversation. Magnus squeezed his hand and nodded at him in encouragement. Alec smiled back as he started again.

“So, that’s the kids thing. As far as fostering goes, until I met you, I had never known anyone who grew up in the system. I’ve learned so much from you, and I’ve done some research, too. I’ve tried to become more informed about how the system runs and how kids are treated. I wanted to have a better understanding of what you’d been through, but along the way, I just… it was so horrible. You remember me ranting at you about how fucked up the system is.”

Magnus nodded. Alec had been irate, barely able to form full sentences in his fury. Magnus had been touched by the fact that Alec was trying to learn more about the system he grew up in. Seeing the statistics, the stories had filled him with rage too, but at the time, he’d never dreamed that _this_ would be the result of Alec’s research.

Alec continued, “It just makes me so _angry_. It’s so _wrong_ the way those kids are treated, shuttled around from home to home like inconsequential pieces of luggage. And if I can _do_ something about that? If I can _help_ somehow? I want to do that. No question. When can I start?”

Alec was on the verge of tears, but he looked fierce, determined. His hazel eyes bored into Magnus’, leaving no doubt about his sincerity. Magnus swallowed past the enormous lump in his throat and took Alec’s hand. _This man. This perfect, beautiful man._ He wanted to cry, wanted to hold Alec, to kiss him, to thank him for all of this, but he sensed Alec wasn’t done, so he just held onto the pieces of Alec he could in that moment - his gaze and his hand - and kept listening.

Alec took a deep breath, then started talking again.

“As far as kids are concerned, I know there are other options available to us. Surrogacy, for example, but honestly, it’s really fucking expensive. I’d rather put our financial resources towards sparing another kid from everything you went through. I’d _like_ to adopt, eventually, but as a starting point, I like the idea of creating a safe haven for kids like you.”

“I guess the most important part is just that, Magnus, I need you to know that I love _everything_ about you and the life we’re making together. And when I look to the future, it’s you and me and our kids. And sure, it’s crazy and the kids drive us up the wall and we argue sometimes, but Magnus, we’re _so happy_.”

“And I want that. More than _anything_. With _you_.” Alec leaned forward and took Magnus’ other hand as well. “Magnus, I want to be a _family_. I want to be just another family living in the suburbs. It’s the most ordinary and extraordinary thing I could want, all at the same time.”

Magnus couldn’t breathe. Alec was looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the whole world. He just stared at Alec, speechless, tears welling up in his eyes. He tried to take a breath and failed. He tried again, his chest shuddering as his lungs filled with air at last.

“Oh, Alec…” Magnus said, his voice cracked, wobbly with tears. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Alec slid out of his chair and to his knees in front of Magnus, holding Magnus against his chest.

“Oh, Magnus. Love, _I’m_ the lucky one!”

Magnus’s fingers curled into the soft fabric of Alec’s t-shirt as he cried. They stayed like that for a while, until Alec’s knees got tired, then they curled up together on the couch and talked. When they ran out of words, they switched to touch, communicating volumes with their kisses and caresses.

The next morning, they contacted their local care agency to begin the journey towards becoming foster parents.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not know the ins and outs of the adoption/foster care system. I just had a lot of feelings about this, so I wrote the thing and did the best I could using the resources at hand. If I got something terribly wrong, please let me know!
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
